and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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