i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
All the doctor said was why
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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