I faked an abortion last night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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