I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
