3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
