i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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