The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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