and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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