hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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