i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
