you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
