I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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