I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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