Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
