well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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