I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We named our party play list daddy issues
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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