i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
