dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
