Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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