Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
there is glitter all over my balls
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
