slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
