I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
