OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
