Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
