Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
