I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
