I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
