he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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