So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I forget how to act sober
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
