mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
