so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
