paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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