please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
pop tarts are not kleenex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
