i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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