i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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