I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
