So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Everclear isn't food dammit
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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