I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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