Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
