i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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