I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize