Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
