yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
