I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
