JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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