By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
