you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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