Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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