if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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