just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
