I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
