For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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