I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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