Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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