I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's a Shit stain on my heart
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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