i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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