I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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