Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
we should paint friendship bongs
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
