So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
